Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Anti-Newsletter: My List for Increasing Intimacy

I don't know why I get so incensed when I read the weekly StepHeroes Newsletter. (The last one on training your child like you train your dog made my head spin.) Maybe it's because the writing is just so general, unhelpful, and bad, and really because it makes no sense. The first sentence in this week's letter on "Increasing Intimacy for Blended Family Success" tells us that the success of second marriages is at a twenty percent low, but doesn't bother to quote a study. Cheers to you on your second marriage! You have absolutely no chance.

I knew nothing about creating a life as a blended family. My own experience taught me what not to do, but not what to do. I was dying for a newsletter with honesty and vulnerability about blended families. But every time I went on the internet, I found garbage like article in today's StepHeroes Newsletter.
"... one of the easiest ways to enhance love in a relationship is to cement rituals of connection."
The newsletter goes on to talk about morning coffee together, adult-only date night, spontaneous lovemaking. This is great advice if you live in Never Never Land. Isn't life so much more specific? Of course I understand the gist of this - make time with your partner -- got it.

We've had a tough week and a half. Elke was in the hospital. Andy's antsy from being home all summer. I've been cranky because I haven't had enough time to write and no matter what I do, the house is a mess. Jake... well Jake is five and therefore is a happy little entity as long as he has swimming, Wii, and chocolate milk.

Here's where my intimacy scale gets tipped in the wrong direction and we lose our connection: I'm trying to negotiate summer travel with Jake's visitation schedule, and that's fine because his father's flexible, but it's always a cloud over us. You know, that Jake also belongs to someone else. Jake gets home from weekends with his dad and his behavior is always different. That impedes on my happiness.

Said husband doesn't get lucky that night because Mommy's got her mind full of crap about how she's fucked up her child.

Neither of us sleep because Elke no longer sleeps through the night.

Then said husband goes to see Phish in Saratoga and Mommy gets resentful. He gets her a massage because he doesn't want her to be unhappy, but the masseuse swings her neck from side to side, and ouch - is my husband really paying you to misalign my neck?

Said husband tries to implement more intimacy by taking on baby and cleaning chores. (Yes, I am aware that the Bjorn is strapped practically around her neck, but it's the thought that counts.)

It works.

I can't show you pictures of what I did to husband to cement my ritual of connection, but feel free to check out the NSFW fleshbot.com if you want some visuals of someone else's enjoyable time.

So here's my family's list for increasing intimacy:

1. Husband vacuums
2. He carries around adorable teething baby in Baby Bjorn
3. Blowjobs

Now that's how you write a newsletter!


  1. You should seriously start a newsletter of your own. It could apply to blended families, stressed out mommy's and busy working families alike! Think about it ;)

    PS what a good husband you have.

  2. he is great... not sure how well my newsletter would do... but thank you for the encouragement. for now, i'll just make fun of the blended family newsletter!


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