Friday, July 17, 2009

An Open Letter To My Core (AKA, My Mummy Tummy)

Dear Core,

I know some people refer to you as a stomach. Or a belly. Or in my case, a Mummy Tummy. But since I want to pay more attention to you, and I mean the good sort of attention, not the bad kind (like the coffee ice cream that I ate twice this week), I'll refer to you as my core.

Core, I have neglected you. I'd like to blame it on the hyperemesis. For nine months, I was unable to utilize you because really, I was quite sick. For a long time, I hardly ate. But then once I felt better, I ate. I ate a lot. Then I got sick again, and stopped eating. Still, core, I was selfish. I had pregnancy fantasies that I would bounce back into shape and look like I did when I was 27, even though I was 37 and well, core, ten years makes a difference.

Actually, wait. I did think of you at least once. That time when Andy rubbed my belly and told me how much of a cute pregnant lady I was, and I warned him. "You know this big belly isn't going to be so cute once the baby's out, right?" (Andy met me just after my divorce. When my body was too bootylicious for ya babe, because one baby doesn't = Mummy Tummy like age + two kids do.) So he just sort of looked at me and ran off to the gym to work on his... core. Because he's devout. And core, I'm just not. I'm sorry.

This week I ran, I did laps in the pool, and I went to yoga. I put on my bathing suit and stared at my belly and wondered why the Mummy Tummy was still here. Why? None of my above-mentioned workouts involve you.

One might ask: Can't you just get your ass on the floor and do some sit-ups for christsakes?

Instead, I look for more unflattering pictures of Jennifer Garner to compare myself too. And then soon, I'll run out of those because Jennifer Garner is Jennifer Garner, and with or without the Spanx, I'm sure she's working on her core.

Stomach, I have one word for you: pilates.


(McSweeney's actually has a column dedicated to Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond. They're hilarious, some heartbreaking and I encourage you to check 'em out.)


  1. i loove those mcsweeneys letters- one of my
    favorite segments ever

    your letter is awesome. i totally get it.

  2. thank you maggie - my sister-in-law and MY CORE have a date for pilates on thursday.


Blog Widget by LinkWithin